Dr. John Malik

His NEW introduction…

“Just then the door creaked open and Raoul disappeared from sight in a flash. In walked a man in an expensive looking navy blue suit, with a red striped tie and slicked back, shiny black hair. “I am so sorry about this,” he said with a Mideastern accent. “Hey, Frank! Get these restraints off her. What are you doing?”

Frank came through the door and put his assault rifle behind his back. He undid her restraints as quick as he could, then left the room without a single word.

“Miss. Please allow me to apologize. This is not how we normally operate here,” he shook his head and pulled up a rolling chair near Sydona. He examined her wrists with his hands, that were very well manicured. Unlike her own. He glanced up at her and then smiled.

“I’m sorry. Please let me introduce myself. My name is Dr. John Malik. Welcome to Eagle Lake!”

Sydona was at a complete loss of how to react. This was the man she wanted to stop. His entire vibe was pleasant and welcoming. Thinking back to the article, he was genuinely excited about this whole thing. Her guard was still up and wasn’t letting this act fool her.

“Oh, and let me also apologize for the act at the front gate. That is uh–new. We have had some run in’s with groups that don’t exactly agree with what we’re doing here. It’s just a precaution, but I promise you, it has no long term effects on you. Just puts you to sleep for a little bit,” he explained with well articulated speech and constant eye contact.

“Where are my friends?” Sydona spoke while hardly moving her lips.

“Oh, the man and teenager with you? You knew each other? Fascinating… Oh, but they’re fine. Already settled in, I imagine,” he smiled.

“What’s with the metal bracelet?” she asked, sitting more upright.

“Those silly old things. Another precaution. Just lets us keep track of who is who,” he answered.

Sydona narrowed her eyes at his calm answer. If it’s just a tracking device, why did it shock her when Raoul messed with it?

“Am I a prisoner here?” her jaw tightened.

He laughed, pretentiously. “Oh heavens no! –Please don’t think of this place as a prison. Think of it as– a temporary vacation while you help the scientific community. What we are doing here is beyond anything you can imagine! The fact that you are here speaks volumes about the contribution you can make with us.”

Contribution, she thought to herself. What was that supposed to mean? Sydona decided to stop asking questions because she couldn’t tell what was real and what he was making up. She just knew she needed to find her friends and figure out their next plan.

After a few silent minutes, the doctor spoke up. “Well, I can see you’re still in shock. I am very sorry about that, again,” he stood up and placed the chair back where he found it. “If you need anything. Anything at all, please let me know. It was very nice meeting you, Sydona,” he smiled and left the room.”

Better, right?

Terrible writing example from last blog:

She opened her eyes to see painted clouds on a blue ceiling. She rubbed her eyes and looked around the room. She was in her old bedroom from when she was a girl. Everything seemed so slow, like it was playing a memory in slow motion. She slid off the small bed that she questioned on how she even fit on it. She looked down at her feet and she’s wearing her black dressy shoes that she wore when her family went to fancy places. She also had on her black frilly dress that she remembers she wore once when the dog they had died and they had a funeral in the backyard for him.

Re-write:

As she opened her eyes, the blue sky turned into painted white clouds on a blue ceiling. Rubbing her eyes, unsure of how the sky changed, she realized she was back in her bedroom from when she was little girl. As she glanced around the room, her vision was off, and everything she looked at was a few seconds behind. Everything was in slow motion, and it made her feel dizzy. Sliding off the side of a small colorful twin bed, she looked down at her feet to see shiny black shoes. The only time she ever wore these shoes was when her family would go to fancy places. She also had on her black frilly dress that she wore once when the family dog died and they had a funeral in the backyard for him.

Much better, right? ##

Bad, Laura..

She opened her eyes to see painted clouds on a blue ceiling. She rubbed her eyes and looked around the room. She was in her old bedroom from when she was a girl. Everything seemed so slow, like it was playing a memory in slow motion. She slid off the small bed that she questioned on how she even fit on it. She looked down at her feet and she’s wearing her black dressy shoes that she wore when her family went to fancy places. She also had on her black frilly dress that she remembers she wore once when the dog they had died and they had a funeral in the backyard for him.

7 Sentences; 6 of them begin with ‘She’.

AAAARRRGGG!!

This is the kind of mindless editing that I’m doing for my entire 60k+ word book. Granted, I think I was more aware of this later on in the story, but MY GOD. Some might just say I’m being nit-picky or obsessive, but this bothers me more than anything else. I know my tenses are really bad too, but this is right up there with it. It just baffles me how I wrote this X-amount of time ago, and just from editing, I see this and think a 5th grader wrote it. Anyways, just be comforted of the idea that the final re-write will not contain things like this. Thankfully. ##

Omit.

Hello! Okay, I decided to start writing again. It’s so hard to put away sometimes. For those of you who have read Fliers, at least half way through, you might remember the B&B, with Lana and stuff. Harold shows up out of no where and kills her, for.. some reason… but, be confused NO MORE!

I deleted that whole thing! Yep. It’s gone. It was in the original draft, (you know from 8 years ago) but after editing everything, I decided how much I hated that part. It just didn’t make sense. Lana looking like her mothers clone, the fact they were okay with staying at a hotel or whatever, even though they are trying to stay low. And Harold showing up and threatening Lana with a gun to her head so Gia won’t shoot him. And then killing Lana, being something significant for Syd, but really, it was just filler.

So, I have gotten rid of all of that and have replaced it with them staying in a tent that, ta-da, Willow was already carrying! I dunno why I had them stay in a house/hotel thing when Willow was already prepared for them to sleep in tents so they DIDN’T have to sleep at a hotel. Fliers are wanted now, and why would they risk going to sleep somewhere where they might get captured? Besides the train thing, but it was the fastest way of transportation. I will back that part up. But the BnB thing, no.

I will introduce Silas into the story sooner and in a different way. Might help the tiny love story that’s in here too. Does he save her life? Who knows! 🙂 Oh, because they are attacked by a Grizzly and Sydona is a little out of her element. Silas to the rescue! I know, sounds cliche, but what are ya gonna do? ##