Better, right?

Terrible writing example from last blog:

She opened her eyes to see painted clouds on a blue ceiling. She rubbed her eyes and looked around the room. She was in her old bedroom from when she was a girl. Everything seemed so slow, like it was playing a memory in slow motion. She slid off the small bed that she questioned on how she even fit on it. She looked down at her feet and she’s wearing her black dressy shoes that she wore when her family went to fancy places. She also had on her black frilly dress that she remembers she wore once when the dog they had died and they had a funeral in the backyard for him.

Re-write:

As she opened her eyes, the blue sky turned into painted white clouds on a blue ceiling. Rubbing her eyes, unsure of how the sky changed, she realized she was back in her bedroom from when she was little girl. As she glanced around the room, her vision was off, and everything she looked at was a few seconds behind. Everything was in slow motion, and it made her feel dizzy. Sliding off the side of a small colorful twin bed, she looked down at her feet to see shiny black shoes. The only time she ever wore these shoes was when her family would go to fancy places. She also had on her black frilly dress that she wore once when the family dog died and they had a funeral in the backyard for him.

Much better, right? ##

Posted by

An outgoing, introverted writer who likes to lie about being outgoing. Talking to your cat at all hours of the night does not count as outgoing; but it doesn't stop her. She is also just as comfortable being at the beach as she is standing in a pile of cactus. If you want to really impress this unique specimen, offer her a box of your best wine.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s